July 17th, 2008

Jenna

another confession (oh yes)

Whenever i post i seem to be confessing something..hmm..

It's not so much a confession as an outlet.

Addiction is a funny thing. I've always had an addictive nature, take my smoking 30+ a day (when i can, i.e. when i'm not working or whatever). For this reason i have always stayed away fro "drugs" purely because i know i could never do something a few times and not get addicted. But while i was spending all that time worrying about not getting addicted to heroine, i forgot about other medication. And what do you know? I'm addicted to a few. The biggest one is Nytol. This is a sedative sold in the UK, i believe the american equivalent is Tylenol PM (didn't Eminem have an addiction once? random). Anyway, i took my first Nytol tablet (or half of one) at the age of 10. It was actually from a two-a-night pack, so it was the same as 1/4 of a one a night tablet. I always had trouble sleeping at night once my parents had gone to bed - it was weird. You would think i would sleep better as my father couldn't beat my mother when he was sleeping, but oddly, if they were awake i could sleep. Maybe it was so normal to me it was calming in a fucked up way.

Anyway, i started taking Nytol to combat this, but after a few weeks, half a tablet wasn't enough so it became a whole tablet, followed by two and then a one-a-night tablet. Followed by two.

I was percribed phenergan when my father committed suicide. That took over for a while. I got to the point where i was taking 50mg a night. Not a lot to some addicts, but bare in mind, i was twelve years old.

Somehow i managed to beat that. Probably by switching it for another sleeping drug from Spain called 'Frinova'. But that gave me headaches so i went back to Nytol.

At 18, when i got my first proper acting job that involved getting up very early in the morning (which is virtually impossible on Nytol), I quit. I don't know how. I can't even remember quitting. But i know for the entire 6 week shoot i didn't take a single sleeping pill of any kind. I didn't work again until January, and of course from the period of November till January i had gone back to Nytol.

So here i am, at 20 years old, with an addiction to Nytol. I currently take 3 one-a-night tablets every night in order to sleep. But sometimes i fight against the drowsiness (being a night person) and they loose their effect so sometimes i take more.

The mornings are the worst. If i have to get up early, i wake up so inconcieveably tired, nauseaous, dry mouthed, usually with stomach pains. So, when i can i sleep until mid-day (that's only because i'm woken up, if i left it to my body i would sleep till 5 or 6 pm). I still feel bad when i wake up.

I have a sneaky suspicion that this nytol addiction (as well as an addiction to coca-cola - yes coca-cola) are the cause of the constant headache i have had for 3 and a half years that keeps getting worse. So of course that has led to an addiction to Nuerofen and Ibuprofen, but they are loosing their effect so now i have started taking co-codemol for the pain.

I'd like to get off the Nytol, but everytime i try, i feel EVEN WORSE when i wake up. I know this is just withdrawl symptoms but jesus christ half of me would rather keep taking them. I mean, there are some upsides, such as being able to plan what time you will go to sleep depending on what time you need to get up etc.

And part of me thinks, christ my body must be so fucked up, can i actually save it now? But i know i can. I haven't turned blue, i haven't lost my sight or anything therefore yes my body can still be saved.

But with my depression, its doubly hard to sleep at night. All the thoughts in my head keeping me awake, it's impossible to relax.

Will i ever be OK? Who Knows? But for now i am going to light a cigarette, drink some cola, and take my nytols.

Night x
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