October 19th, 2007


looking for a sign of life

 Well, i went out into town last night with Dave, haven't seen him in something like four weeks. Mainly as i have been avoiding him as i knew if i saw him i'd loose my temper about everything that's happened. In short, supposed best friend, drunken holiday, one night stand, ectopic pregnancy, emergency surgery where it was touch and go - i very easily could have died due to a massive blood clot in my fallopian tube (which caused the ectopic pregnancy), and Dave knowing what had happened, tells me he's in Scotland, and then, i have now found out, promptly goes down our local pub and gets pissed with Samantha, the girl he fancies the shit out of. Oh and he also doesn't get in contact with me for 3 weeks, not knowing if i'm alive or dead. He's never been one to cope with serious situations very well, almost always hides his head in the sand, so i put it down to him being an idiot, like his mum said (when she found out what had happened) "he doesn't mean to hurt anyone he's just an idiot".

 But after counselling sessions, and a lot of thinking and the shock subsiding, i found myself getting increasingly angry with him. Anyone i have told, has said he's a shit and doesn't deserve my time and i don't disagree. But at the risk of sounding pathetic, i'm lonely, i'm always away for work and therefore don't have many solid friendships. Granted, Dave isn't a solid friendship, but it's the closest thing i have right now. And yet, i feel worse everytime i see him. Perhaps, because his life is going so well right now, and me, well my life is going pretty well, but i feel unable to enjoy it. and i'm jealous because of that. 

 While we were out we ran into Ryan, a guy who used to work at our local. He's an Actor too, just graduated infact from a local drama school. He recently broke up with his girlfriend due to his self confessed commitment phobia. We went on a date about 5 weeks ago. I guess i dismissed the idea of being a rebound girl as we have known eachother for a long time, and have fancied eachother for a long time. It was a great date, and i stayed over his house, although nothing more than a bit of kissing happened.

 Then, i hear nothing. well the odd conversation on MSN. We'd be chatting and he'd just disappear. I'd text him and he wouldn't answer. When i questioned him he said he had been busy with rehearsals for a show he's in, is broke as fuck so therefore has no credit on his phone etc He recently moved to London, and said he was coming down to my town for a few days for his graduation. He was expecting me to say lets meet up. Instead, i said "Oh, that will be fun." and left it. If he wants to see me, he can make the effort, why should i do all the chasing? It's not fair.

So last night he asks if Dave and I are doing anything tonight (Friday night), and asks us to come down to our local as it would be "nice to see you both". He congratulated me on my recent job offer and we chatted briefly. I wasn't sure whether i should go tonight or not, whether i would look..desperate for want of a better word. But then i thought no, he invited us, i would like to stay in contact with him even if nothing happens between us. It will probably be a big mistake and i'll end up feeling like crap stuck between Ryan and Dave. But Mum's having people round tonight and i have to go somewhere and who knows? Maybe i'll get a chance to talk to Ryan properly. Unlikely, but maybe and if i don't go, i won't know and probably won't get another chance as he is off on tour soon.

I considered ringing a male friend and try to make Ryan jealous. But there seems no point. I know he does fancy me. He just doesn't want anything serious i guess. So the best thing i can do is deal with it face on and move on. I think.

If only our local wasn't filled with old alcoholics, so maybe i might have a chance of meeting someone else. Dave said he is going to go into town afterwards, but i don't want to. I've lost interest in getting drunk for some reason lol and that's all he does. Plus my confidence is pretty low at the moment, i feel like i'd be boring company anyway.

Now i've got to decide what i am going to wear tonight, even if nothing is going to happen between Ryan & I, i still want to look fantastic, an inadvertant way of sticking my middle finger up at him.

Oh and new layout and new friend yay!
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